TamWiki

8:00 A.M.

The Rapture: Doors of heaven open; earth's righteous begin rise to paradise. Mike Harris briefly hovers five inches off the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"

8:02 A.M.

Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13 A.M.

Taco Bell chihuahua call press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway.

9:04 A.M.

Global economy collapses - except in the case of Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly.

9:12 A.M.

All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously

9:55 A.M.

Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks.

10:40 A.M.

Oceans and lakes turn to blood; meek seize opportunity to take a piss while swimming.

11:47 A.M.

Sun becomes as black as "a sackcloth of hair". Moon becomes as blood. Uranus appears dark and puckered.

12:03 P.M.

Arrival of the forces of good is covered live on CNN, ruining any chance for an ambush.

1:11 P.M.

Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46 P.M.

Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears

3:18 P.M.

Saddam Hussein takes Kuwait again; US issues a statement formally not giving a shit.

3:21 P.M.

Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out the eyes of infants and elderly.

4:56 P.M.

Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality of service.

6:12 P.M.

Four horsemen of the Apocalypse 'break up' when Pestilence begins dating Baby Spice

7:16 P.M.

Jewel dies quietly on toilet.

9:27 P.M.

God takes Pat Robertson out behind the woodshed and seriously kicks his ass.

10:00 P.M.

Shari Lewis' head suddenly appears in place of the left hand of Lamb.

11:30 P.M.

God finally answers all the big questions. (e.g. Is it OK to break up over the phone?)

12:00 A.M.

Tied in world series, the Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in seventh game - with two outs and tied score in the bottom of the ninth - the world blows up.

12:03 A.M.

In deep space, fleshy remains of The Artist Formally-Known-As-Prince rename themselves "Susan".